Funny Things Ian Says: France 2013

Since we've moved here and have consequently been able to spend a lot more time with each other, I've realized that Ian is absolutely hilarious. I mean, I always knew he was funny, but I am consistently laughing my head off at some of the things he says. There are plenty of times when I recover from a laugh attack and think "I have to write that down." Too often I forget, but luckily enough, I've remember enough to create a substantial list of funny things Ian says and possibly a glimpse into our marriage (ha)...and lots of them might be inappropriate and include swears and SHAME ON US FOR THAT, but really,

I dare you to not laugh:

After I taught Ian how to twerk, he replied, "Okay, so it's kind of hard."

"I have read a lot of books. I have read a shit-ton of books."

After walking by a bumpin' club late at night...
Me: "Do you think there are strippers in there? Topless strippers?"
Ian: "No, they're bottomless. Just like the drinks. HEYOOOO!"

"I have a knowledge of most things."

"You can totally eat Oreos before you go to bed. Then you'll have chocolate dreeeeams."

It was November 4th, the day after my birthday.
"Today is the worst day of your whole year. I will be the worst to you today and it will get just a little bit better every day until your birthday next year when I will be the best to you, but for now it's 364 day of misery ahead."

Me: "What did you wish for?"
Ian: "I wished for a sandwich."
Me: "What?!"

"I love doing body rolls. And I'm really good at them."

"You're dumb as a butt." (I don't really need to explain this one, but JSYK, Ian doesn't ever insult me fo-reals. I was laughing so hard after that one I could barely breathe.)

"You are a good wife. There are good wives, there are bad wives. And sometimes there are midwives..." (Insert obligatory eye-roll from me and self-serving laughs from him at his own joke.)

"I refuse to eat at 'Eat Salad' because the title is too bossy."

"I know that I'm not going to die of natural causes. I bear my testimony that I know that you're going to murder me." (After a long stream of really, really crappy jokes that end up being funny because they're so bad...kind of like jayus.)

Ian also talks in his sleep often. Even though I knew this before we got married (his roommate of three years had warned me), the first few times it happened, it totally freaked me out. His voice is growl-y and he often speaks in French. It can get seriously scary sometimes, but there have been plenty of nights I have almost exploded trying to keep from laughing. It's usually not clear what he says or it's in a language I can't understand, but the ones I can remember right now area few mumbled words followed by "GUNSLINGER" pretty loud. But my favorite was, "Enough with this chickenshit."

His roommate also shared one with me recently, too. "RETURN FROM THE AIR, MONSIEUR, RETURN FROM OVER THERE! AND WHO HAS THE BRANDY?"

Who the crap is this guy?


My father-in-law tends to tell pretty typical dad jokes that are medium funny, but are hilarious because of the delivery. Every time he tells a joke, it's usually followed by my mother-in-law rolling her eyes and saying "Eternity!" while actually trying not to laugh. 

They are a perfect picture of us in the future. Bad (really good) jokes and me pretending to be mad. Here's to eternity! 


Brissa said...

Hahahahahaha. Please keep these coming! I like how you had to explain that Ian never really insults you. I should probably add a disclaimer like that to all Cory's ginger snaps... Whoops!

katrina said...

I like Ian. the sleep talking is giving me the serious giggles right now. why is it so funny when people do things in their sleep? I can't handle it.

Levi and Allison said...

Hahahahaha, yes! Hilarious.

carla thorup said...

i love an appropriately used cuss word.