4.17.2011

present

Thank you for taking my appointment today, cyber-therapist. I know it's been a while.


I don't deal with the present well. Usually not at all. And I say this because I think I'm really starting to realize how much it effects me. Well, not really realized because I've known I've done it for a while, but I think I'm finally coming to terms with it/realizing that I might need to figure out a different way to cope with things. Whether it's in a situation like my time in Ecuador, or graduating from high school, friends leaving on missions or any sort of moment that deals with a lot of high intensity emotion (you know, love & other junk), I don't do it. I can't tell you how many times I've been in a situation where the full attention of my brain is quite necessary, but I just seem to check out. And I deal with it, sure, but always later.

I was looking at a friend from Ecuador's pictures on facebook and it just hit me that that's not my life anymore. Just barely. And it's giving me a pit in my stomach. Since I've been home, I haven't been dealing with the anxiety of being away by not looking at pictures or by ignoring that I went like I kind of thought I would. In fact, I've been surrounding myself with Ecuador paraphernalia to try and help me adjust better, but my adjusting just seemed so natural, until now. So I'm just going to go ahead and whine. You'll listen, right? That's what my corner of the cyber-world is for, right?

I miss Ecuador for completely selfish reasons. I miss being around children. I miss the feeling of holding a new baby. I miss hearing 2 year olds say my name. I miss wrestling with 3 year olds. I miss talking with curious 5 year olds. I miss just being in the presence of a special needs child. I miss having purpose. I miss knowing that I was doing something worthwhile. I could go into this a million times over and list every aspect of everything in relation to Cuenca, but I have a tendency of getting carried away when I do these list things. What I miss the most about Ecuador is how simple my life was. I played with kids all day and dreamed in Spanish at night. My biggest stressors were what kind of activity can I do with a 2 year old that won't be destructive or harmful and the fact that the bananas were plantains, again. I had a few belongings and a few clothes, but nothing extraordinary. I had these kids. I didn't need much else.

Mostly, I'm just really overwhelmed right now. I'm feeling really sad. Really sad. It's about time it really sunk in.
 
Thanks for letting me have a little pity party. I need to get it out of the way. That's what cyber-therapists are for, right? I'll be chipper soon, I promise.

1 comment:

Meisha Marie said...

aw anna. my heart aches for you. i can't say that i know how you feel but i sympathize. i imagine it would be terribly hard to go from a very simple life where you knew you were doing something great, making people happy then back to little ol' utah.

you are amazing and inspirational.