choo choo train

Self-doubt is one of the most jarring and immobilizing states of being in existence. Previous to this experience here in Ecuador, I had myself convinced that I was not a kids person, that I had no patience, that I was cautious about love, that I was a horrible teacher, that I would be completely helpless when it came to special needs, that I was incapable of mothering skills other than worry and that coming here was a stretch for such a selfish soul like mine, but there’s only one piece of truth from that—this was a stretch. These past two weeks have been enlightening and destructive in the sense that years of me creating false representations of myself that have been created for who knows what reason have been broken down. I let these perceptions inhibit my abilities to grow and become a more full person. My fear & loathing of my pseudo-self had me convinced that this would be too difficult for me and that this was something that a person like me would not be successful at. The greatest realization it seems is that this is not something that I just learned or acquired—this was discovered.

I can do this. And I can do it well, too.

What scares me most is the years that I’ve wasted thinking these thoughts about myself and/or what other misconceptions of myself are preventing me from progression. But I guess that’s part of life’s journey, RIGHT?!

For those who may inquire, know that I am doing more than just figuring out what’s going on in my brain. I’m high-fouring orphans. But because of privacy issues, I am not allowed to write super specific details or share photos about the kiddies. I am also debating creating another blog purely for Ecuador posts that will be more in depth and personal and will also be private. If this happens, I will let you know.

But for now, a list of things I’m grateful for: good plumbing, books, strawberries, health insurance, right-of-way, not having fleas, not having lice, cheddar cheese, sweatshirts, showers, yogurt, loving parents, peach pizza, technology, freedom, space, and legs that work.

Thanks for complying with my trite, pathos-filled post about self-discovery, but you had to know that it was coming (and there will be more to follow).


Frangipan said...

I think this is what travel does, but also that this is a positive thing. It sounds like a lot of the ideas you had about yourself were negative, were about your limits. Embrace the discovery!

Megan said...

I'm really happy for you. When I ran ragnar, and actually started running a lot, I gained a motto that I began to use in every other area of life. I can always go farther than I think I can, ALWAYS.
It just takes some kind of experience to force it out of you, and yeah, traveling seems to do that pretty quickly. It's exciting, and especially nice to learn that you're capable of doing all those things.
Also, I responded to your blog comment on one of my posts a while back.

kelli christine case said...

anna. i love these thoughts. i have felt this way in different times of my life. i am so grateful for experiences like this that help us. this is a very helpful experience for you in life. you are lucky. i am so happy for you. i am so grateful that i know you and not only that but that i know you well. i'm glad you're not just another association that i have in life. you are a neat soul. i love your family. i can't count how many times i've found myself wishing you were here or about to call or text you with a million things to say. enjoy ecuador..but just know i'll put you to work the second you get back. you know what i mean.

kelli christine case said...

your blog is one of those exceptionally good blogs in the blogospheric world. i'd just like you to know.

katrina said...

anna i love this. thanks.

Ashley said...

you got soul.