Self-doubt is one of the most jarring and immobilizing states of being in existence. Previous to this experience here in Ecuador, I had myself convinced that I was not a kids person, that I had no patience, that I was cautious about love, that I was a horrible teacher, that I would be completely helpless when it came to special needs, that I was incapable of mothering skills other than worry and that coming here was a stretch for such a selfish soul like mine, but there’s only one piece of truth from that—this was a stretch. These past two weeks have been enlightening and destructive in the sense that years of me creating false representations of myself that have been created for who knows what reason have been broken down. I let these perceptions inhibit my abilities to grow and become a more full person. My fear & loathing of my pseudo-self had me convinced that this would be too difficult for me and that this was something that a person like me would not be successful at. The greatest realization it seems is that this is not something that I just learned or acquired—this was discovered.
I can do this. And I can do it well, too.
What scares me most is the years that I’ve wasted thinking these thoughts about myself and/or what other misconceptions of myself are preventing me from progression. But I guess that’s part of life’s journey, RIGHT?!
For those who may inquire, know that I am doing more than just figuring out what’s going on in my brain. I’m high-fouring orphans. But because of privacy issues, I am not allowed to write super specific details or share photos about the kiddies. I am also debating creating another blog purely for Ecuador posts that will be more in depth and personal and will also be private. If this happens, I will let you know.
But for now, a list of things I’m grateful for: good plumbing, books, strawberries, health insurance, right-of-way, not having fleas, not having lice, cheddar cheese, sweatshirts, showers, yogurt, loving parents, peach pizza, technology, freedom, space, and legs that work.
Thanks for complying with my trite, pathos-filled post about self-discovery, but you had to know that it was coming (and there will be more to follow).